faking hopes, hurtful hearts.

i met hassan today. He seemed to display immense fetish for me. He loves me since the day we broke up about 6 months ago. Zul came to get pass over a bottle of water. I told him to get chocolate for me, but he did otherwise. He saw hassan and sat down to chat for awhile. Zul, sarcastic, annoying as ever and hit me twice with the fb stick. Hassan didnt like it. But he assumed i liked it cause i was smiling and all. Zul was really getting on my nerves with his norms and i told him to leave. So i went to talked to hassan instead. Feeling left out, zul left. And he managed to make jenn upset again.

Next problem, hassan sent me home. appearently zul didnt like it. He began replying me one word texts. But he said he wouldnt interfere or care much about it. Yea….. Hassan wouldnt let me go home alone. I was suppose to go homw with zul but the otherwise occured. And he already expected it.

So now i texted him and asked if he ws unhappy at me. Still not replied. Perhaps hes busy with his friends. Or perhaps he does not wish to talk to me.

im really upset because this is adding up to other similar problems. Fir from ami kaplan asks for my hand.. Nash, redza, fir (nyp biotech), fir (nyp engineering), there is so much i cant really be bothered about anymore. Staying uno is tough. Men…. please go elsewhere. I dont want you to interfere with my hapiness.

While i recall all those words you spoke to me

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold him when I’m not around,
when I’m much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you

Cause im lonely and im tired
im missing you again
Once again

I cant seem to sleep because your tormenting words would tuck me into bed.

the bitchness

A window popped. and it was fir.

He said: I hate you. opps sorry. wrong convo.

but what are the odds of opening up my window or bumping to mine when we didnt talk. Surely the only way was he opened it up. I replied: what are the odds of that…   and he just kept mum throughout till he went offline.

well, its his loss. and i dont seem to give a shit. over him? most likely. But thats just one problem.

Other story bout nurul ain. is she a pain in the joints , cartilage or what. her gestures and the way she presents herself resembles jahanam. and she happens to be super sensitive. worse than those with allergic rhinitis. Ci caught me doing a procedure alone with a patient and she scolded both of us. appearently ain was furious at me because she told me to wait for her and i continued. yes, its my fault but she should not called for me in the first place when i have alot of things to do in my own cubicle and that ci didnt let me tag with her. And she does things so slow. Even when ci scoled her, i did backed her up. Ain was undoubtly mad at me. The whole day she was as cranky as a rolled over rat. started giving me attitude problems afterwards. fucked up bitchy attitude. Like what Lee said, she boasts about 5 guys wanting her. c’mon. Lee has more than double of that. I find her cheesy. ultimately. Example: Bi, i rindu u lah. OMG! its so cheesy, i dont know how to make it out even!

Another thing to add

Just when i published the update below, he spared this on msn right before he went offline:  I really love you. i dont know how much more to express it. And I miss you so much. And I hate myself for the other day. If you could just give me one more chance to be with you again….

My first expression was laughing. Its better that i keep this into a silent field. Ive been gone for a year and hes been trying to find me. Lets see what happens if this continues for as long as he can hold.

Words can never make me stay

Oh and i just have to say this because i cant say it on tumblr.

IM OVER FIR! (not the one from school of engineering nor ami kaplan but the one from molecular biotechnology)

HAHAHA. yessar.  finally. all it took was just a moment on msn with these words : save it. Really.

yea, it took alot from me when i heard him saying. At the end of the day he realised he brought it upon himself. Admit that hes a dick head and sort and i kindda like it when he said it. Its like vengence but without you doing anything. Hes been trying to break fast with me for like 3 times and ive rejected them all by giving all the lame excuses. Works everytime. Im not angry at him. But the temporary moment of hurt resulted in permanent loss of intimate feelings.

fantastic aint it?

He sent me this text right after midnight on 3rd Sept:   I could search my whole life through and never find another you. And i would rather argue with you than to love someone else. And yes you may not be perfect, but youre perfect enough for me and if i’ve ever had to choose anything in the world or just to have you, i would choose you for you’re everything that i’ll ever want. And although saying i love you takes a few seconds, i would spend my whole lifetime proving it to you.

I wanted to reply him this: Save it. Really. I dont need to hear anything from you.

Harsh, yes. But i realised i cant be that mean to someone who has loved me throughout his life. So instead, i just kept mum. Online, ill reply like i just dont care. Because hell yeah, i over him. Im lovin this game.

Cheerio!

ZAR..

A new site for the new adventures

I have another blog which i intend to make it local to public. Because this one seems easier to update tho it gets annoying at times. But the more intimate onces ill still update it here.

http://procrastinatortotherescue.tumblr.com/

In the meantime, happy fasting to all my muslim brothers and sisters.

ZAR…

quick bites

Yes,  we all know the only person to bug me on updating this old stow is none other than my girlfriend, Lee.

Exams are over! No more Sociology, Pharmacology, Biology, Psychology and Adult Nursing! We’re through!

Alot happened lately and im not able to share with you because books were the barriers. Weird things benn goin on. From a man who sortta fainted to major problems to men…the usual problem. Theyre smart lil creatures. They know how to disturb us ladies especially the moment the clock stroke 6 today. And we just stared at this awesomely cute Caucasian with curlish brunettes. And had a wonderous date for buka. I had pasta while she had burgers and fries. High in triglycerides. Avoid them please.

About the man who fainted… Me and Lee were on the usual 72 when it passed a sidewalk where this man laid lifeless. The was someone who came up to him. But was more of tapping to get him to wake up. Efforts were wasted. Me and Lee began our nonsense. There I came up with the ‘bystander effect’. OMG. We just finished psychology and we’re revising for adult nursing. Then we came up with all the damn nonsense. From hypoglycaemia to cardiac arrest. Then metformine to glipizide to all the diagnostic tests. We were just rubbish. But plentiful.

I wont really touch on the more sensitive issues. It would be unethical, inconsiderate and insensitive.

But i will emphasise on this: Sermon(pardon if this is the inappropriate spelling), you bangla! Don’t you ever disturb my girl. Shes mine, not yours. Go get some ‘sexy’ female bangla to satisfy your  pathetic, homo lives. (fyi, ive been spelling bangle as bangle)

Next story’s bout 3 different fir. Thats not even half of my candidates. And i have different problems with each of em. Their strengths are almost equally tight. They said i gotta choose. But think id refuse. Words cant make me stay forever. C’mon, theres Hassan (he used to be my boo). He needs me, or he wont reform; which i think is rather dumb.

Umm.. i thought of continuing but my folks can be making alien sounds any moment. So ill stop here and continue very soon. Real soon. No rush.

Lovin the 7 week holidays (excluding attachments)

ZARA.

The day she trashed him, was the day she fell in love

Me and boo became friends yesterday. No longer what we once were. And how did it happen? my previous blog says it all. The last thing he said on the phone was ” goodbye and thanks for everything”.  The next morning he appeared jovial like nothing major happened. He texted me the whole day. He kindda wanted to meet me after school. i told him iwas going home with my sis. then he replied: no, im not meeting you today, im at home already. ~sigh, really, ive no comments.

Then i board online and my ex talked to me. we talked like we usually would and gradually it became more ‘personal’. Indirectly pouring out hearts and..yeah.

suddenly boo sent a message saying: i love you alot. i realised it today how much i miss being without you. and the feeling totally changed. after thinking what you said, i wanna be a better muslim and guide you along with my knowledge. And when he sent that, i felt it. He hopes that day will come again, because i was the best the ever was.

Not was it only him, my ex blurted out everything hes been saving inside his broken heart for over a year.

The moment he said ‘i love you’, boo said ‘ i love you alot’.

Now im caught in the middle of my two great love. Only to my ex will i run out of words to say. He is a class all by himself. Using literature that will leave you smiling for the rest of the night. He would never say those three words when im with another man. Seeing me happy makes him happy. Even if im holding someone else’s hand. And i find that really selfless indeed. As for boo, ill let him reflect. Still, his aloof words questions his pride. I yelled in the phone once for saying something intolerable towards my ex. If he thinks hes some cavalier, try bullfighting. Only then will fear and respect showers him honour.

I hope the outcome will be most gracious.

(and to my dear, sweet sister:  S and S, F and F.  im certain you know what it means. and the title is dedicated 50% to you.)

Before Lee complains about whens my next post is gonna be up, gotta go. Ditto.

ZARA

im just a little too not over you.

These few days had been confusing. Its like a song playing of love and betrayal. But its colliding. I cant figure this feeling. And sometimes i hate having it all having to come back to me.

My very first boyfriend. Yes, him. Ever since i gotta know boo a lil much more, i lost respect. His background, status, intentions, attitude doesn’t compare to mine. When i thought we had so much in common, it turned out the opposite. Even a minor argument could lead to something which drastic. Not once but a few. Guys are full of ego. So am i. But i had to give in a few times so he won’t think im some jimmy neutron.  I just helped him out with his English spelling errors. Cant believe im such a perfectionist. Because i was taught to be that way. Anyway, he took it negatively. So he said which was more vital, EQ or IQ?. I said both. But he keep insisting EQ was a matter more worth to impersonate. We rebutted several times and it was obvious that he was losing and getting really aggressive. Then i just had to give in. Im really fed up. We hardly talk nowadays. Perhaps just text each other about 10 times a day. Because i don’t seem to really bother. When im having exams, its hard for him to understand. I met his cuzzie aboard 72 the other day. And i spilled everything. Her perspective of him changed and i asked her what should i do. As a friend and as his cousin, she said to either stay far away from him or leave him before things get ugly.

Last Tuesday, i happened to see my first ex  across the canteen. I was with Lee. She saw how fidget i was. I was shaking and my face red flushed. This means something. Shit. I need help controlling this overpowering past memories. I was practically stumbling over my words.

I just had to do it. Lee was like pushing me. So i sent a text to him. Saying i was really happy to have seen him after a year. He replied that he was happy too but he was expression-less. But we ended up talking online at night. Boy, did that made me feel all better. Couldnt tell you how captivated i was. Didnt even feel like sleeping. Omgosh. I felt relieved from my current arguments with boo. I even forgot about him. Shit. HaHa. And when he sent a text,  id get really agitated. God. Im not even suppose to think about it.

Sometimes I wished…. ~sigh~ nevermind.  Id mistook many others  for him. How similar they’d appear from a distance. Perhaps the paramount urge to see him . My ophthalmic senses needs rewiring.  Felt like being around him. I know Lee’s reading this. And when she does shes gonna say “tsk tsk.” Look at me. I critized, physically and mentally torment him and so much more. Im ashamed of myself. I really am. I know i changed his life. He need’nt tell me. Didnt know i could be utmost insensitive. And now look at whats happening. Even till today, he can never say my name. He would always call me sayang. Even during the most harsh periods when i fired a metal bullet thru his heart, he still wouldn’t call me by my name. But when we’re not attached, he would respect by not saying sayang but just a simple ‘hey’. Reading back what i typed, it all sounds so corny.

Every presence of him makes me smile. Regardless if hes online (even when im not talking to him) or browsing his blog or facebook or reading his past texts when we were together. Tell me why you’re so hard to forget.

I really don’t know what to do. Guess im just a little too  not over you.

Broken but not hoping.

Last night i had an awkward dream. Let me tell you the background situation.

I was really upset with my boo. Some reality about him going to hotel 81 to chillax, smoke and think about our relationship. This well known hotel is cheap and usually for people who does sex. A reason i strongly denied his honest reply was when he left the hotel by 7.30pm for his muay thai lesson. I was really doubting. Next issue was when he wanted to meet me on Thursday for pool. But on Wednesday he asked where we wanna meet. I said meet at tamp interchange so it would be easy for him. And he replied ‘meet you there for what?’ i was sickened. So i told him meet at change general hospital, where im working. He replied again ‘meet you there for what?’ fuck! I was really disturbed. What made it worse was when he said this ‘i meet you for what?’. Real shit man! He forgot everything within 2 days. Since his ankle was in pain, i told him that we need’nt meet if its troubling him. And he said’ so not you don’t wanna meet me luh?!’ douchay bag! Damn asswhipe! Really gets on my nerves. And till now im still disappointed and angry. Wait till he sees my true colors. And just yesterday he asked me out for a movie. I said i cant because my exams are around the corner. Indirectly hes implying that im too studious and tight, and that i don’t like to watch movies with him. Its true. I have my own home theatre system. I could see he was really angry at me by the way he text. Because i can’t watch with him, he gotta watch it with someone else. Im not a laidback, like him. The whole of today we didn’t text each other. Simply because i don’t miss him. I can even forget about him. Its that simple.

This is the weird part. My very first boyfriend… In msn, i had my pm all raging and fed up with my boo. He seemed to notice it. And he wrote on his pm ‘i cant stop thinking about you’. I don’t know if he was implying on me or something else. You see, he dreams of me 80% and he doesn’t get tired of me. He was either crazy about loving me or obsessed with me. Whatever it is, i dreamt about him last night! It happened like this….

I suddenly got a text from him after a long time. He text: wah, dah pandai menggatal (it means, wow, nowadays you flirt). Even though i had this cheap old phone for a long time, i still use it. Unlike him who uses you and changes his mind every time. Now you see…

It really felt weird. I didn’t tell him a single thing and he knows everything. Sometimes i feel like talking to him. But guilt will overcome me. The fact that i broke off with him due to my 2^nd bf, using black magic to charm me into leaving him. Till this very moment, i still think of him sometimes. But i still wonder… what is his real intentions?

 

.ZARA.